"The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart"

This whole week has been so exciting with all of the GO events and speakers. And then last night with the Ethiopian missionary who came and spoke...just really powerful stuff. I got a copy of his (the Ethiopian missionary’s) book called Slowly by Slowly and I started reading it this morning and I never want to put it down. I am not really sure what all of this means except that I believe that God has given me a heart for missions...and recently I have been thinking about becoming an overseas missionary. I mean, it’s still just an idea. Maybe I’ll end up doing mission work here in the states, I just don’t know.

Anyway, last night, Patrick (that’s the Ethiopian missionary’s name) and his friend Negash talked about their work over in Ethiopia. Patrick started a program where churches in the states sponsor missionaries in Ethiopia for 50 dollars a month. They started out sponsoring five missionaries, but then two of the missionaries felt that 50 dollars was too much money and so split their “salary” so that two more missionaries could be sponsored. and then the missionaries set aside money from their salary every month and pool it together for when someone graduates or gets married. Their love and generosity really hit me. I want to be like that. To live life constantly giving, trusting God to sustain me and provide.

Several times last night Patrick quoted “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?” All my life I have tithed and volunteered at church ministries and given special offerings during holidays and such, but recently I have felt this restlessness in my heart. Like, it’s not enough. (I’m not saying that I feel like God is displeased or requiring more than giving offering and volunteering...more like, I feel that I have so much; I am not content with just giving money, I want to give myself --my time, my energy, my life--to share the gospel and really affect people’s lives whether that takes me to homeless shelters in the city or to villages in the heart of Africa.) I do not want to see my brother in need and be satisfied by just putting a few bucks in the offering plate every sunday.

Sometimes I look around at America and am filled with disgust. A nation that once proclaimed itself a “Christian” nation but now flaunts its reprobate culture. Part of me wants to just “dust off my sandals” and go overseas to share the gospel with people who have never heard the good news. And yet I can’t be sure if that is the right response. Who am I to condemn this nation? Nothing is impossible with God, and even the hardest of hearts can be broken by the love of Christ. People need the gospel here as well as over there, and I have always wanted to travel, which makes me wary. Do I want to go overseas to do mission work because I feel like God is leading me there? Or because I want to see the world? Or has God given me this love for travel because He wants me to go overseas to do mission work? too many questions. I am riddled with self-doubt and it frustrates me. Yet I know that God is faithful to reveal His will in His timing. Until I know God is calling me overseas, I will remain where He has me now and pray for opportunities to minister to the community here. Waiting on the Lord does not involve mastering the art of thumb twiddling.

teach me tonight

My tongue is a fire
fueled by my foolishness
propelling me into a mire
of disgust
Like a moth to the flame,
I am drawn to destruction
left with a tongue I can’t tame
or instruct

You can see though I’ve tried
to converse, I’m left only
wishing for this tongue to be tied
and it all has gone south
with my foot placed so firmly
inside of this inundant mouth

I’m blessing the Father
and with the same breath
turn to curse at my brother
in my pain
I’m biting back bile
and retching the bitterness
while trying to maintain this smile
that I feign

If I could take it all back, I would
and start speaking life giving words
like I know that I should
but I can’t seem to bridle
this tongue in my head
and I cannot escape
all these things that I’ve said
so I’m asking for You
to give me instead
the skill of remaining silent